Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Just need a place to put it out there

Maximus has been gone for 13 days. 13 days worth of thoughts and questions need to come out.

I have tried my best not to Google but when I did, I think my theory has some weight. Given Maximus' serious uptake of ingesting non-food items in this past calendar year I have to wonder/think his brain lesions had something to do with this. There is research out there supporting this. And a part of me wonders that if we had thought of this sooner, could we have had a few more great days with him? When I pressed for answers for his increasing pica, it always came back to me needing more preventions because some dogs were just like this. I felt like a crappy pet owner this past year with our multiple foreign body surgeries and trips to the e-vet. I was *this* close to ordering him a scary muzzle to wear at home. The tape measure I bought to take the measurements of his head sits unopened on my kitchen counter. I don't know what to do with it now. So it sits there reminding me that I miss my dog.

More than missing him, I feel robbed. While Max was technically classified as a senior, he didn't act it and he didn't show any signs of slowing down. I always thought Bellona would be the first to break my heart. I had no time to prepare for my dog to die and the hole it would leave in my heart. I didn't get the opportunity to take him home and spoil him rotten one last time. It's not fair and it hurts. Especially when earlier this week I forgot and went to wake Max for one last potty break before bed before remembering he's gone...


  1. This is what this blog is here for so you can vent, grieve, share memories about Max. It takes time, one day at a time.

  2. Never think you were a "crappy pet owner". You gave Max a great life. And the fact that he was a senior but never acted like one just shows how happy he truly was.

    Keep sharing your sadness and grief with us. We are here to support you and be here for you even though we don't know each other.

  3. We are all here to listen. That's the great part of blogging. And we all understand


  4. You are the polar opposite of "crappy dog owner". Max was so lucky to have you. Remember the good times and remember that it will get easier. I'm so sorry for your loss.

  5. You're no crying alone.
    Max had a wonderful life and a wonderful family.

    I lost my Murphy a couple of years ago to epilepsy and even though there was really nothing I could have done I still have those thoughts of; "What if I had..."
    It's hard.
    It's really hard.

    But I have to remind myself that I am a good mom, my kids do have a good life and I always give them the absolute best I can.
    You do too.

    And don't let guilt rob you of time to have good memories of Max.

  6. i am sorry for your loss. i, too, am often sad about the loss of my cairn terrier toto to oral cancer, as well as my first baby, lex (sheltie). we actually had to put both down. lex, unexpectedly about nine months after toto. it still breaks my heart, and i get real emotional about it even though it's been nearly two years since lex, my sunshine, left us. we still had two dogs (yorkie mattie and chow/sharpei/shepherd mix bauer) who helped us through our grieving.

    less than a year after lex's passing, we brought in a new yorkie who needed just as much love as our others. he had been passed around a lot, and we were the 4th owners, and he was only 2. he doesn't have really any hair, almost looks like a chinese crested. but he has settled in now after being with us for a year in march. we have a lot of work ahead of us still as his nasty tendencies outweigh his good. but he has many qualities that remind us both of lex AND toto, so it's comforting to know that somehow, bentley was meant to be part of our family.

    thank you for sharing your story (stories). just discovered your blog, and am enjoying reading it all.